The Writing Goddess.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my dead father, who died when I was seven years old, while I was just getting to know him. 

About my dead grandfathers, who died within months of each other, not that long ago. 

About my dead cousins, whose energy I enjoyed being around while growing up. 

The way that death has been rearing its ugly head in my life from a very early stage, you’d  think that I’d be better at dealing with it and handling it- but the truth is that I’m not. I feel like I’m the worst person at grieving and processing that pain. Contrary to how this blog post began, this is not going to be a post about me just whining about my losses. I’m going to share with you what I’ve learned about grief. At this point he feels like an old friend that won’t stop showing up at my family reunions. 

Originally posted by horrorandhalloween

 A couple of nights ago I re-read a book that I loved when I was a teenager and I still do today! It’s called “The Sky Is Everywhere” by Jandy Nelson. I enjoyed this book because for the first time I saw someone explain perfectly how the grief process felt. In the book, the teenage protagonist Lennie admits all the darkness she’s feeling and how she’s finding it hard to relate to other people because all she feels is pain. Lennie confesses about wanting to hurl a building at God and being angry at the deceased for leaving. She describes the debilitating feeling of grief pressing into your chest so hard that you can’t breathe. I loved the book because it made me cry. It made me bawl. 

Originally posted by floareofilita

When I was younger I held on to the pain and grief of my father’s death because the truth is, I was afraid to let go. I was afraid to let go because I thought that letting go of the pain meant that I would forget him and just had to go about my every day life as I saw the other adults doing. I hated it. I did not want to “move on”. I hated not talking about him. I hated not having him near. I hated that I felt robbed and cheated from the life experience of having a father. Letting go of him and moving on felt like a betrayal to his memory so I dug my little seven year old claws into the pain and held on to it. I didn’t let go for years.

Much later, I learned that letting go  ≠ forgetting. I realized and learned that  I could let go of the toxic torture of reliving the pain and trauma of his death and still miss him and honor his memory. So, does that mean that I don’t still cry or feel some pain over his passing? Absolutely not. I think about him almost every day. Sometimes I imagine talking to him and a lot of times I feel him with me. I feel his presence a lot. 

I am proof that the theory of “time healing all wounds” is simply false. I am of the opinion that we don’t ever really stop grieving. It never stops hurting. You never stop missing them. You will shed a tear every now and again but you learn to pick yourself up and live with it. You realize that it’s okay to cry and miss them and keep the memories close to your heart. You learn that the dull pain humming in your chest subsides enough for you to have good days, full of joy and happiness. The good news is that grief always comes but she never stays. 

“grief is a house
where the chairs
have forgotten how to hold us
the mirrors how to reflect us
the walls how to contain us

grief is a house that disappears
each time someone knocks at the door
or rings the bell
a house that blows into the air
at the slightest gust
that buries itself deep in the ground
while everyone is sleeping

grief is a house where no one can protect you
where the younger sister
will grow older than the older one
where the doors
no longer let you in
or out”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

“My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

- Love, Lafiya.